I've been thinking about time ,and about it's effects throughout our lives. As my last journal touched upon ,I have seen too much in recent times ,felt too much to really ever recover from completely. It's not so much pain ,as it is a constant ache. A sense of loss that permeates through the life I am living at this second. But ,I've had time to think over everything that could be done in the circumstances.
Normally ,I blame myself for everything. Everything is always my fault. Not by some longing for pity or some twisted ego trip. But because I genuinely believe myself to be at fault. I accuse the steps I took ,the process I initiated ,and my judgement to be flawed.
This time ,however ,no matter the hurt caused ,and no matter which mistakes were mine and which weren't ,I feel that I should forgive myself. Every single choice I've ever made ,for good or bad ,in my life ,recent events included ,have led me to this place-to this moment ,the moment of writing this so very publicly ,despite how publicly it will be noticed.
My past self couldn't forsee his future feelings of loss and pain. He did what he could to survive in the period of my life he lived. Just as I'm doing now. Instead of dumping my anger ,or disappointment on my past ,on the guy who tried just as hard as I did to manage ,I should feel comfort that actually ,I've had my own back all this time. And with that revelation ,I've never really been alone.
Deviantart is not the most the apt environment to conclude these things ,but yet ,it's a place where free thought and perspective are challenged and examined. Perhaps then ,it's highly appropriate that I assume the mantle that I have pushed aside for so long ,purely out of spite for myself.